It wasn't easy, in fact it was really really hard. And at times I found myself wondering what the point of all this was. Why was I trying so hard when giving up would be so simple. Sure I had friends and I had family, but I didn't have you. I didn't see how much of a blessing my friends were to me until I had finally gotten back to the point where I could get out of bed every morning without feeling like I was going to have a mental breakdown, and I could finally see that even though I was trying so hard and I was fighting against them for you that they were still there, they didn't give up on me even when you did. They stayed with me through all my crying and freaking out and breakdowns and for that I owe them everything. I needed to learn that you weren't my everything, you aren't my everything. You really aren't even worth it to be my anything. You hurt me time and time again, mentally you broke me down every chance you got, that's not what I need in my life. I need friends, the people who pick me up and put me back together even when I don't want to. Even when I kick and scream and curse them out. Not you who at the first sign of trouble ran. Ran and pushed me away, well that's too bad isn't it? Because I'm better than that. I'm better than you and I'm better than fighting for someone who doesn't even care. And I realize that now. I realize that I don't need you to be happy. I never did, but I let myself believe I did because it was easier than facing reality. That I would be okay if you left. That I would be okay if you didn't come back for me. Once I realized that everything was a lot easier, it was easier to smile, and laugh, and not feel guilty about it. I had my fair share of problems in that relationship too, I played mind games on you and I pushed you away because I didn't want you to protect me, and now I know why. Because I knew you would eventually kick me to the curb without a second thought, so in a way I guess I was always protecting myself just a tiny bit from the crippling pain I knew you would eventually cause me. And yet I'm not bitter, I don't hate you, and I don't wish our time together didn't happen. I think it made me grow into a better more loving person, who cares about people. So I guess in a way I have you to thank for that. Because if you hadn't of left I wouldn't of known how strong I really was.
I guess Ignorance can only be your best friend for so long. And then you have to learn that ignorance will only get you so far. Only far enough for you to fail. Or fall. Or cry.
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